The Trauma Model

When you first discover that all of the photos, memories, and future plans you have shared with a loved one have been contaminated by secrets and lies, this primary relationship can suddenly becomes very dangerous.

As the realization takes form that what was once a safe place for your dreams is now filled with total uncertainty, your body begins to react both physically and emotionally.  The cortisol rushes into your system and you begin to search for confirmation of your known reality.

When looking through the lens of a trauma model this search, which on the surface looks like detective work as we look desperately for evidence in the phone, computer, credit card bills, and tracking devices, is behavior based on seeking safety from a horrific truth.

When that person who was trusted the most causes harm to others, it is natural to experience feelings of intense distress.  By checking and searching, the partner either wants desperately to know that the secret behavior has stopped, or wants to ensure that s/he will not, once again, endure the pain of being ambushed by an additional disclosure.